You know that fitful sleep you have when life starts throwing bombs at your turtle shell? My default way of dealing with it is doing what my mom told me to do when I was little and had a stomach ache.

"Turn over on your tummy and put your hands under your belly," she would say, as she tucked my legs up under me in a fetal position. And there I would lay until those pangs went away.

Mom was an expert at this as her gut was the place she carried all her stress. Ulcers eventually gave way to diverticulitis and it was actually an exploratory surgery for the above which ended up shortening her life. Obviously, the "turtle tuck position" she advocated wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Now that I'm older and have back issues, that position usually lands me at the chiropractor's office with a frozen neck.  Sleep aids don't work for me - one almost landed me in the hospital with chest pains. With the help of melatonin and a cup of warm almond milk, I can usually fall asleep; it's the staying asleep that troubles me most.

There's the tossing and turning, sleep, wake up, sleep wake up pattern that makes me feel like I've been run over by a truck by the time I finally get out of bed in the morning. But the real nightmare (pun intended) is when I'm sleeping just fine and dandy and then all of a sudden I find myself wide awake. I immediately go into denial: "This is a fake wake-up, right? I'm just temporarily awake, let me fluff my pillow a little, flip it over to the cool side, I'll be back to sleep in no time."

Yeah, right.

I know you know what I'm talking about, we've all been there - suddenly you can't even remember what it feels like to enjoy a good night's sleep. There's something about being wide awake in the middle of the night that is so anxiety  producing; you start to project how you'll feel the next day - wiped out, irritable, overwhelmed, nerves on edge, and before you know it, you get your wish.

Now this is the part of the post where I'm supposed to tell you how to fix all that; this is a motivational blog, correct? Sorry, I got nothing. Nothing that works consistently, anyway. Some nights I meditate on scripture verses, which vary depending on whatever is the source of my wakefulness. Lately I've had some success with breaking a Benadryl tablet in half and setting it on my nightstand, just in case. I try not to take it because it gives me such a hangover the next morning, but it's comforting just to know it's there.

I talked about my sleeplessness with my mentor yesterday and really resonated with the prayer she said for me: She asked the Lord to minister to me emotionally, to help me to deal with whatever difficult situations I face during the day but then give me the ability to control my mind in the middle of the night. She asked God to flood me with peace beyond understanding, to help me begin to understand that peace and not feel I'm going into denial about my problems by receiving it. I knew instantly that was at the heart of my sleep issues.

Pretty deep stuff to deal with and I will - just not in the middle of the night.
 

`Once,' said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, `I was a real Turtle.'

The other day a friend said she'd been thinking about turtles all week and wanted to know if their heads could get stuck inside their shells. She wondered if the neck area could ever get all hard and crusty, making it impossible for the turtle to poke out its head. I knew immediately what she was really asking: "Is this hibernation-funk I've been in ever going to end?" 'I've wondered the same thing. 

We began to compare notes:

• "Have you ever felt so wasted that its impossible to face a sinkfull of dirty dishes?" Yes.
• "Ever looked down at the floor and seen a dead cockroach, waved 'hello' and kept walking? Yep.
• "Have you ever had difficulty remembering what it feels like to not feel like that?"  Uh-huh. 

It's hard to stick your head out when you barely have the energy to lift it up.  B12 shots help, but only if you remember to take them.

What if, rather than beating ourselves up about it, we looked at these times as a normal part of our turtle-journey rather than an interruption?  If our "down time" is a time of rest in God it puts a whole new perspective on what we usually call "hiding." Perhaps we should think of it as "Turtle Time," knowing that when we emerge we will be stronger than before. It helps to be reminded.

My granddaughter spent six glorious weeks with me this summer and I determined that I would be totally present with her, despite the fact that my family was going through a difficult season. No shell time for me! We swam, shopped, went to the coast, the mountains, museums, had tea parties and then sniffed back the tears when she headed back to Texas last Monday.

After a few days of avoiding my sadness with some deep housecleaning, I found myself weepy and unable to face the problems I had put on hold while she was visiting. Then my body responded with a profound weariness, followed by sciatic pain coursing down my leg. For the first time in years, I spent the day in bed - resting, crying and praying. And you know what? With the encouragement of my husband and a dear friend, I found that I was ok with that. "Be gentle with yourself," one friend lovingly advised me, and so I was. I've decided that from now on, I'm going to be more 'pro-active' about resting whether it's physically or spiritually or both.

In Psalm 121 verse 8 we learn that, "The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in, from this time forth and forever." What if we view life as a journey of  continually 'going out and coming in?' And its ok? Head in, head out...God's got our back.

*When the storms of life threaten to drown you, just remember: water runs right off the turtle's shell. 

It was a showdown I'll never forget.

I was taking my daily walk around our apartment complex in Tampa, FL when I heard a loud, angry hiss that stopped me in my tracks. There in front of me was a face-off the likes of which I'd only seen in a John Wayne movie: a huge tomcat had tried to play nasty with a ferocious snapping turtle, who was not in the mood to play. I watched, incredulous, as the hissing turtle (turtles hiss?!) stood upright on his hind legs, (turtles can stand up?) and lunged forward, totally intimidating that tom cat who had completely misjudged it's prey. I found myself cheering for the turtle.

When I came home and told the story to my husband, I mentioned that I wished I could be more like that turtle; now it was his turn to be incredulous. "You ARE that turtle!" he said.

Being a former wimp who had tried to toughen myself up, I realized that perhaps the assertiveness I had pursued had unintentionally turned into aggression. Determined to live my life in a more positive manner, I began studying the differences between the two. I studied, took notes, journaled and now, from time to time, I look over those notes to see how I'm doing. OOPS, is the most frequent comment, but occasionally, I see some progress.  If you've ever come away from a confrontation with an ache in your gut and a throb in your head that suggests maybe you didn't handle yourself too well, perhaps this will help:

ASSERTIVE:     Characterized by self-confidence and boldness in expressing opinions.
AGGRESSIVE:  Showing readiness to fight or attack.

1. If you are assertive, you think before you speak. If you're aggressive, you hotly defend yourself.
2. An assertive person asks, "Is there an issue between us?" The aggressor lashes out or gossips about you behind your back.
3. The assertive person says, "I'd prefer not to do it that way." The aggressive person says, "I'll do it MY way!"
4. Assertive - lets his needs be known. Aggressive - may suffer silently, but with a loud bad attitude.
5. Assertiveness plays with brains; aggressive play with brawn.
6. Assertive people have low blood pressure. Aggressive people have high blood pressure and try to keep the playing field equal by raising yours.
7. Assertive people are strong; aggressive people are pushy.
8. An assertive person earns respect. An aggressive person demands it.
9. Assertiveness is upheld by truth and strength. Aggressiveness by presumption and control.
10. Assertive people seek to control their own emotions. Aggressive people seek to control their world.

A wise man once told me that by learning to be assertive rather than aggressive, I'd have enough energy to do my work, with more left over in the evening to pursue my own interests, like writing. Thanks, Charlie.




With the exception of the soft-shelled turtles in the genus Trionyx, the snapping turtles are unique among turtles. They defend themselves in a manner similar to snakes by "striking" at enemies. The speed at which they strike rivals that of the rattlesnake. So quick is the movement that the eye is barely able to follow it. Backed up by a pair of sharp-edged, cutting mandibles and jaw muscles of tremendous power, a snapping turtle bite may cause serious injury. The amputation of a finger by a medium-sized specimen would be an accomplishment of no difficulty.

Two turtles crossing the road hit each other head on and were both knocked unconscious. The policeman who was summoned to investigate the accident tried to find a witness, but only found a snail nearby. "Did you see the accident?" the officer asked. "Can you tell me what happened?" "Yes, I saw it, "replied the snail, "but it all happened so fast!"

I like that joke because it describes how I feel about my life thus far: it has flown by, which is kind of ironic since a lot of the time it seemed painfully slow: Will I ever graduate? Will I ever figure out what I want to be when I grow up? Will this kid ever get potty trained? Am I ever going to find a job? Life is a never-ending series of slow waits, at least mine is.

Maybe that's why I relate so much to turtles, because I'm slow, too. That's kind of what my story is about - the slow journey of leaving the safety and security of my shell. It's an ongoing journey, by the way.

We all long for that safe and secure shell, a place where we can run from our problems, hide from the truth, avoid the people that have hurt us and find rest for our weary soul. In the shell nobody knows our weaknesses, our fears never come to light and we can pretend that we're just fine, thank you- really, we are. Sometimes the hurt and rejection we experience is so traumatic that we retreat into our shells for good; once that happens, it's pretty difficult to re-engage with life.

Here's the problem with camping out in your shell: with no fresh air circulating, the place starts to get a little rank. Unless you eke out a little hole, it gets pretty dark, too. And lonely. The scary part is that after a while you can get used to it and not even realize what you're missing.

Do you have a hiding place - a person, a habit, your work? Are you intent on protecting your vulnerable areas? What are you facing? Maybe you feel like you're holding the world on your back and your legs are feeling weary - maybe underneath that tough exterior you're hiding a broken heart.

You may think you're hiding in your shell, but if you're reading this, you're not really hiding - you're seeking. Here's the good news: Seek and ye shall find.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE! You can stay in your shell and become a shell or you can come out of the darkness. You can experience true freedom: freedom from sin, freedom from addiction, freedom from fear. And not just freedom from things - freedom TO - to know God, to love, to change.

The only hiding place you'll ever need is in His presence.  

Do this, don't do that, can't you read the signs?



Sometimes I can be so blind. 

You see, I'm a word person, forever researching the origins of words, digging for the hidden meanings, delighting in the twists and turns that language takes over the centuries. But despite the fact that I often miss what is staring me right in the face, God is teaching me to see, and this past week, I've been seeing turtles.



We were on vacation last week over on the coast and my granddaughter, Alexis, gave me this turtle shell she found on the beach. 

The next day, this guy shows up in the backyard:



Then, despite the fact that I have basically ignored this blog and not posted for 2 years, I start to receive comments; one from someone who Googled "Turtle Muse" (who googles turtle muse?!) and another from a lady searching for "Turtle Gardens." Both encouraged me to start posting again. Not too long ago one of my son's friends had suggested that I might make The Turtle Muse a devotional.

So, here's what the Spirit is saying to me today, and maybe to you, too: it's from Psalm 40:17
"As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord is thinking of me right now." 

When all those turtles started showing up last week, I knew he was thinking about me. He wanted to remind me that he is always thinking about me.

If you're reading this, you might feel forgotten, but he is thinking about you right this very minute.
All his thoughts about you are loving thoughts. He see, he knows, he cares.
He is whispering an invitation to you, just like he whispered to me, so many years ago:
"Come out."

His presence is the only hiding place you need. He promises he will never leave you, and he will never forsake you. His posture is forever one of outstretched arms.

The Five Man Electric Band got it right on the last line of their song:
"I said thank you Lord, for thinking about me, I'm alive and doing fine."

*Thank you also, to Alexis, Doreen, and Ellen for reminding me who I am.

 

 

This is Bob, my Worry Turtle. I named him after Bob Wiley, the neurotic character Bill Murray played in "What About Bob?" Bob was always worried about something: "What if I have to go to the bathroom and I can't find one and my bladder explodes?" (It never did.)

Bob was agoraphobic; whenever he was forced to leave the house he would rub his forehead and repeat, "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful."

I repeated that line to myself this morning. The past few days I've been feeling really low, uninspired about my work, worried about how we're going to afford my husband's looming hip surgery - basically functioning in that "I can't think of a single thing that would make me happy right now" mode. Let's just say I've been a real joy to be around lately.

So this morning when not even my steaming cup of java happiness could lift my spirits, I figured I'd take a walk. Azaleas blooming, dogwoods in full color and with every step I'm mumbling to myself, "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful."

As I came around the corner I saw an elderly man shuffling out to his mailbox and when he saw me, his face lit up as he called out an enthusiastic "Hello!" When I responded with a polite, "How are you?" he answered with a big smile on his face, "Fantastic!"

"I can tell," I replied.

"You probably know why," he said.

"No," I said, shaking my head and thinking about how long it was going to take to get my heart rate back up after what would certainly be a delay in my pitiful little attempt at exercise. Earlier in the morning I had prayed that my life would exhibit more of the fruits of the spirit.....love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc, so I sensed this was a divine set-up.

He was thrilled to have an audience. "At one time in my life I was paralyzed," he said and went on to tell me about how when he was in the service in Austria, an army vehicle ran into him and he hit his head on a boulder when he landed.

"I was so fortunate. One of my buddies was dating an Austrian girl and her mother was determined that I wouldn't convalesce in the Army hospital, which was nothing more than a big barn."

The woman took him to her home and cared for him, feeding and bathing him until he recovered. "To this day I can see her in my mind and it still brings tears to my eyes," he said, as his eyes welled up.

He went on to tell me about his life as an accountant and how at one time he was an elder in his church, making visitations to shut-ins. "Now I need somebody to come visit me," he said. He told me he spends a lot of time doing crossword puzzles. "My wife bought me a big dictionary," he said, with a twinkle in his eye.

We said goodbye and I resumed my walk, thinking about all the things that have had me down lately. And I remembered how when I was little I used to get in trouble for pouting. My mom would say my lower lip stuck out so far I could catch rain drops with it.

As I walked back into the house, my husband hobbled to the door with his cane and asked me how was my walk.

"Fantastic!" I replied.